I cannot think of Christmas without my husband and children with me. For many divorced families, the holidays mean their children will not be with them some or all of the time. You may also be facing the loss of extended family where you would gather around the table over the holidays to eat, drink and be merry. What if you are alone this Christmas? The first thing I need to tell you is you are not alone; over 50% of marriages split up and there are often kids in that mix. Either you or your ex has to be without their children on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

When you are newly divorced or separated, this can feel like an overwhelming loss. Hauling out the ornaments and decorations may bring a flood of memories. It is common to ask yourself if the divorce or separation was necessary. Could you have worked through it? This ambiguity is heightened when you go to the mall and see couples hand in hand and families together celebrating with visits to Santa. You begin to wonder if you could have done something differently to make it work. Remembering the good times makes you more likely to feel depressed when you are newly divorced. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t make the situation go away.

There are things you can do to make this Christmas less heartbreaking and give you a deeper sense of gratitude. Children are barometers for parents, and if they see a parent unhappy it will make them feel sad. Don’t make your kids suffer your loneliness on Christmas without them. Here are some tips to help you get through the holidays and make Christmas a time of peace for you.

1. Create new traditions. Let’s face it, Christmas will not be the same as it was when you were married. It will be different, but this is an opportunity to create new memories. I had an friend who could not get past the fact that Christmas was no longer going to be the way it was and she could not get over her sadness during the holidays. As a result, her children did not want to spend the holiday with her and as adults, they have chosen other places to go. I have another friend who started new holiday traditions. When she was married, they had to leave the house early on Christmas to spend the day with her husband’s family. The children never had a chance to stay home and play with their toys. Now she has the children every other year and when she does, they stay home all day in their jammies and enjoy their gifts. They look forward to spending their day with her and in the off year, they celebrate Christmas on the 26th, treating it as if it was Christmas day, jammies and all.

2. Make a plan to call your children at a particular time. Negotiate with your ex regarding what time would be good so as not to interfere with their holiday plans (the more you support your ex in being a good parent, the better chance your children have of growing up to be confident, well-adjusted people).

3. Invite family or friends over for Christmas Eve. The more you focus on serving others the deeper meaning Christmas will have for you.

4. If your kids are going to be gone for two or three days and you cannot bear being in the house alone, plan a short trip. Instead of buying gifts no one needs, splurge on a short trip you always wanted to take. People are very friendly this time of year, and most likely you will not have to struggle to make friends.

5. Allow yourself to do whatever you could not do when the kids were with you. Take a hot bath, or stay up and read until 3 a.m.

6. Watch a movie that makes you feel uplifted.

7. Do something creative. Maybe a room in the house needs to be painted. You are alone, and no one said that you cannot decorate or fix up the house on Christmas Eve. Make it your own holiday, and do what takes your mind off your loneliness.

8. Remember that divorce shatters both partners’ self esteem. This is not a good time to be looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Much wiser to call an old friend and ask them if they can listen for a while.

9. Write your story. The more people can write about their thoughts and feelings the quicker they can work through them and gain understanding. Who knows, you may be creating a best seller.

10. Light a candle, turn on soft music and pray. You are a spiritual being having a human experience and this part of being a human is painful.

Most people are afraid of being alone. For many the fear keeps them trapped in broken relationships and broken families. If your marriage didn’t work out, and you do find yourself alone at Christmas, celebrate the fact that you aren’t trapped in a marriage that was broken. Look to tomorrow, believe in the lessons you learned today. You're going to be okay.

Cynthia DeMatteis Cartier, JD, LLM is a President and Founder of CT Mediation & Arbitration Services, LLC, which provides conflict resolution for family, elder and civil matters. She can be reached at (203)458-1477 or cindy@ct-mediation.com.